Apart

Sometimes the hardest part of an affair, is being apart. But then, that is why it is a an affair, and it is not the daily married life. But you know, it isn’t the daily life I need from him. It is just our own time with each other that we can carve out, that I want. He is my best friend, confidant and lover. When our own real lives creep in, I miss him so very very much. But it is during these busy times that it makes me realize how fucking lucky I am to have him and our love affair in my life. I have that every day. I have him and his love. We have ‘us’ forever.

Foreplay For Lunch

When simply making lunch together makes you aroused. When eating lunch together, you realize lunch has now become a slow flirty sensuous foreplay. When you can’t stop kissing. When you need to leave the lunch dishes in the kitchen and go upstairs. When you cannot get your clothes off fast enough. When the skin you are up against feels like it is attached to yours. When your hearts beat together. When you crave their touch. When you find yourself aching for and begging for them to be inside you. When you don’t feel complete unless you can pull their body through yours. When you can’t be close enough. When you feel the fit. When you can’t kiss enough. When you need to taste their body. When you need to lick every inch of their body. Every inch. When you can smell the sex.

When you just cannot believe how fucking lucky you are in your life.

When lunch alone is just not enough.

Heart to Heart

Every inch of flesh
covered with sweet sweat….
No airspace.
No room for error…
Transfer of self to self…..
Heart to heart…
Every pore matching……
The next,
Exactly….
Souls intertwine…
Golden glow within…
……Exploding madness.

The View From My Back Porch

As I write this, I am enjoying a cold lemonade on my enclosed back deck. The ceiling fan on the back deck, that I first thought of as a nice little perk, I now see is a necessity for quality of life. The back yard overlooks a deep grove of trees. A deer has made it her daily, early evening path to cut through my back yard. She is so majestic and regal looking. I feel very small in the scheme of things as she silently slips through. There are lightning bugs!! I feel like a child as I see them light up in flight. But, I have never seen them before, or so many. It makes me think back and appreciate the Eric Carle book, even more. My back yard is full of Red Cardinals. Another slice of nature that this new transplant had not been privy to. There are frogs croaking at night, and crickets, and cicadas that simply will not allow you to sleep. I just wish I could decipher what wonderful bit of news they were screaming to each other. I do believe the bugs are bigger here too. There are raccoons and their babies, small white cotton tailed bunnies and huge, I mean huge ground hogs. The trees and foliage are so green and lush, it is mesmerizing for me to just watch them. There are pine trees, but very few and they are a different kind then where I live. I have much to learn, but I am loving it here. It will be nice to have this place and to be able to travel back and forth.

All the furniture has been delivered, paintings and pictures are hung, and it really feels like home. There are two bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths. The full bath and two bedrooms are upstairs and the half bath, and an open loft style kitchen and living room downstairs. There is a huge garage and storage room on the first level, underneath. There is a fireplace in the living room, air conditioning, security system, a deck out front and a deck out back. And thank goodness for all of the ceiling fans. There is an Earth Fare grocery store close, which is this side of the Mississippi’s answer to Whole Foods, and it is identical, in every way. It offers the same healthy foods and set up. It is wonderful.

There are five units total here at the condo. We are tucked away by a huge grove of trees in the front and a long driveway to our doors, that I sometimes still forget where to turn into. I am right next to the state university, and yes, the other renters are students. It is fun and lively and allows for some great people watching. Oh my goodness, but was it really 30 or more years ago, I was their age?? They are all very nice. The university has a great marching band, because I can hear them almost every night. There is a train that goes through the city, constantly and I am beginning to enjoy it. Yes, even at 3 in the morning. Though it is loud, I am finding the sound of the train and its whistles soothing.

My son drove out with me, and then stayed a week helping to settle in. And I am so grateful for that. We saw some wonderful sites and even went on some day trips around here. We had a very nice picnic at the lake, and I cannot wait to explore all it has to offer. Each near by little town is full of its own history and quaintness.

Now, why is it that this particular back porch view and home set up should be so important? I’ll tell you. Because it is the first home that my lover and I now share together. He still has his own home with his wife, and I have my own in my town. But here, we have our home. This is beyond more happiness I could have ever known, and yes, we both know, craziness.

My Affair

There are so many sides to every situation, and there are so many kinds and levels of affairs. And I truly believe, that none of them is a small affair. While most affairs, we stumble into, I do not believe they are started to be destructive. I do not believe there is such a thing as the one and only way to have a conventional marriage or relationship. Is a long term monogamous relationship for everyone? Is that the only way to have found and experience love in our lives? I have been in my chosen affair for over 6 years. He is married, I am not. It is perfect for us. Before I give too much detail, what are people’s thoughts about those long term affairs that have come to light, most likely after someone has died, but not always the case? Charles Lindbergh, Charles Kurault, Spencer Tracy – just to name a couple. I have more examples on my  blog, but I am sure you get the idea. It appears that an affair can either rip your heart out, or be just the kind of relationship that you are needing. I think the same can be said of any marriage or relationship, at any given time. That as they say, is life. I love my affair. I love my partner. We share a home in my state, and one in his. No, his wife doesn’t know, and I would not want her to. I am not out to hurt her, or his family, nor mine. This is our life decision to make. I feel so lucky to have him in my life, and to be a part of each others life, no matter how often we can be together. I am not hidden away, nor is he, but we are not stupid either. I am happy to read of so many relationships out there like ours. I am very curious how you make yours work in the long term. And believe me, I know it takes work, managing and care. There are so many details to be aware of, so many complications, and such love to be shared. But for us, it has been worth every minute and every challenge. We both feel we are so very lucky to be a part of something so special, as to share a life and a love with the love of your life.

Stay

This song is sung by the country duo Sugarland. I think their music is beautiful, truthful and real. Their song ‘Stay’ certainly gives us one viewpoint of  an affair.  Even if this is not the kind of affair that you have experienced, you cannot help but feel the anguish the ‘other’ woman in this relationship is going through. Have you ever felt this way?

Stay lyrics
Songwriters: Nettles, Jennifer;

I’ve been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I’ve been laying here praying, praying she won’t call
It’s just another call from home
And you’ll get it and be gone and I’ll be crying

And I’ll be begging you, baby, beg you not to leave
But I’ll be left here waiting with my heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we’ll be here
Seems like a million years and I think I’m dying
What do I have to do to make you see she can’t love you like me?

Why don’t you stay? I’m down on my knees
I’m so tired of being lonely, don’t I give you what you need?
When she calls you to go, there is one thing you should know
We don’t have to live this way, baby, why don’t you stay? Yeah

You keep telling me, baby there will come a time
When you will leave her arms and forever be in mine
But I don’t think that’s the truth
And I don’t like being used and I’m tired of waiting
It’s too much pain to have to bear to love a man you have to share

Why don’t you stay? I’m down on my knees
I’m so tired of being lonely, don’t I give you what you need?
When she calls you to go, there is one thing you should know
We don’t have to live this way, baby, why don’t you stay?

I can’t take it any longer but my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can’t waste another minute after all that I’ve put in it
I’ve given you my best, why does she get the best of you?
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don’t you stay? I’m up off my knees
I’m so tired of being lonely, you can’t give me what I need
When she begs you not to go, there is one thing you should know
I don’t have to live this way, baby, why don’t you stay? Yeah, oh

Burning in Separate Beds ~ Written in 550 Constantinople ~ Paulus Silentiarius

And there lay the lovers, lip-locked, delirious, infinitely thirsting,

Like Achilles lying with Lycomedes, her tunic pulled above her knees,

they grope and they fondle, lips devouring lips, twisting like vines.

And he who is mine, trundles off to bed, thrice blessed.

He is mine in secret only — we burn in separate beds.

The Secrets of our Hearts

I am a writer.

I know the secrets that my heart holds, and I would like to hear yours. While this is a safe place for you, I realize it will take time for you to know and feel that.

I am researching to learn how you have made your long term secret affairs work for you. We all do it differently. How have you successfully combined your secret life and your real life, and all with out loosing you, or your sanity in the process? Let me step back a little and preface these thoughts. We all know of the broken and harmful relationships that are out there, either through watching our friends, or because we have lived to tell the tale ourselves. Affairs can end badly, affairs can hurt. And both men and women get hurt. While I do want to hear of those more short term relationships, I mostly want to hear from people that have combined their secret lives together for years, and how you have made it work for you and your partner. When the heart and emotions are involved, there are no small affairs. I understand and respect how even the shortest of relationships can hurt when they end.

Secret affairs are not just a woman’s love story. Men are in affairs too. Both men and women have made job, geographic and relationship changes for the sake of their affair. I want to hear from you, and how you have done that.

What sacrifices have you both made? Yes, all relationships involve sacrifice, but affairs perhaps a bit more, and affairs are quite by choice. How fulfilling is it for you? Does it happen to be the kind of relationship that is perfect for you, your lifestyle and your emotional availability? How does it fill your needs? How does it frustrate you? As you see the questions are never ending.

I am very interested in how you and your secret lover have made your lives and your love, work.

Please be discreet. Use only initials when talking about one another.

For a more private connection, please feel free to email me at nosmallaffairs@gmail.com

I look forward to hearing from you.

K